Hi! So if you’re new here, welcome to the Socializing While Autistic (SWA) series! You should know that my son and husband both have autism and ADHD. This series is a recounting of their experiences in social settings while being autistic, shared from the perspective of their mama and wife, respectively.

You should also probably know that while they’re both sensory seekers, they tend to handle excess noise and activity in different ways. This series is meant to shed some light on just how differently autism can be experienced from person to person. That said, my husband and son’s experiences do not reflect those of all other autistic individuals. No two auties are the same — not even father and son 🙂

So when in hectic places, my son tends to match energy. If the room’s loud, he’s doing everything he can to be loud too. If there’s lots of movement around, he’s running and jumping around too. He’s clearly overwhelmed and overstimulated, but he doesn’t understand how to remove himself from the environment and self-regulate quite yet.

My husband is the exact opposite. He’s a runner. The second an environment looks like it may be about to consider thinking about getting hectic, he’s hitting the door. Bye. Peace. He tends to avoid excess activity. Malls and grocery stores give him severe anxiety. He’s naturally a smiley person, which is rare for someone with autism. But his beautiful smile always fades away the second he enters into a situation where there’s a lot of people.

What’s strange to me, though, is that our son basically goes towards crowded situations, even though he tends to prefer being around quieter people. It’s weird.

Anyhoot, story time —

So, Mother’s Day was this past weekend. My family ended up having two different celebrations to attend; one was for my great-aunt’s birthday (Saturday) and the other was for my family’s Mother’s Day dinner (Sunday). My son attended both gatherings. My husband only attended the birthday gathering.

The birthday gathering was at a fairly large park, one that we’ve only been to once before for another family gathering, and that was months ago. My husband, however, had never been before. And I have a country family, primarily from south Georgia — so needless to say, there were a good amount of people there. Plenty of kids our son’s age.

My husband had previously committed to going to the birthday gathering. He hardly ever attends any of our get togethers, so I was both excited and shocked when he said (a few times, actually) that he was down to go. So naturally, I told my family he was coming and RSVP’d to include him. My family was soooo excited to see him. My husband never comes around my family, so pretty much no one had met him; I’m certain they were starting to think I was just making up having a husband, lol.

The day of the party, he immediately started to chicken out. And I’d be lying if I said I didn’t feel that coming. He gave every reason under the sun — tummy troubles, leg pain, heat, you name it. But I held him accountable and told him that he’d be disappointing so many people by flaking, and that it’s really unfair how he never wants to hold himself to his word, but holds everyone else to theirs.

So he ended up going, begrudgingly. And the closer we approached the picnic, the more his anxiety grew. You could feel the tension in the air. But he popped in an AirPod and walked up to the function like a boss, and I definitely appreciated that.

He mostly waited for people to approach him and introduce themselves. Because this gathering was one with tons of different people, and a few I hadn’t seen in years, I was kinda all over the place. But I mostly hung out near my husband — I wanted to make sure there was at least one person around him that he knew and felt comfortable with.

And since we were in a park, that meant that there was plenty of space to walk and play. So he mostly just stuck around with our kids and some of the other littles that were there playing. Our son is an eloper, so the majority of the first hour we were there was us just trying to keep up with him. But for my husband, that was easier than interacting with everyone else. Honestly, I agree.

There was a whole program associated with the birthday party… and that program included singing. Our son is a “Perfect Pitch” autistic, meaning that he really doesn’t vibe well with people who sing in general, but especially if they’re even slightly off key.

In fact, he’ll shut you down by screaming “NOOOOOOO!”

So when the singing began during the program, we immediately gathered our kids and went to a nearby playground. Close enough that we could walk, but far enough to not hear the dreaded singing. My cousin came along and brought her son, who my son had become pretty attached to. Needless to say, my husband wasn’t all that excited about us having company.

In fact, he seemed like he was on the verge of a meltdown. But he held it together. He did an amazing job.

Once we got to the playground, my husband immediately became more relaxed. He became more vocal. He started seeming like he was having fun, rather than like he was forced to go somewhere. We played with the kids, ran around some, chatted. Then, his smile started to fade away again, so I knew something was up. I was worried that a meltdown was coming. But no.

It was hot out and he hadn’t eaten all day because he was nervous about the gathering, so he quietly asked me, “Can we go? I’m hungry.” And we did just that.

We got home, got the kids to bed, and immediately passed out from social exhaustion. He woke up the next morning still feeling tired but overall better. He was back to his usual smiley self after a cup of coffee and some time playing PS4.

Now, because my husband had just endured that long, loud hour-and-a-half gathering the day prior, I was on my own with the kids for the Mother’s Day dinner the following day. He stayed home to recharge his social battery ahead of the hectic work week he had coming. Love that for him.

Another loud gathering, but about half the amount of people. Inside of my grandparents’ fairly spacious house — a place my mom, the kids and I visit once weekly, minimum. And the people there were people he’s seen several times before. So there’s familiarity. Some kids were there, though mostly older than him.

One thing about my family, they’re gonna be loud. I don’t mean speaking all at once and the overall room being loud. I mean the house is loud because 2-3 people are shouting at each other recounting a story that isn’t even important, nor does it necessitate speaking so loudly, loud. I literally got a notification on my Apple Watch that the decibel level in the room was high, and that I was at risk for hearing loss at that continued level — that’s how loud they were.

My husband knew that, so I didn’t even fight him not coming to the house. Hell, I wanted to stay home with him, lol. But this is my family, and we were doing this dinner in celebration of my Granny, so I was morally obligated to go. And it was fun — until it wasn’t.

So remember when I said that my son goes towards the drama? That day was no different. All of the loud speaking only ramped him up. So then, the loud family members, who happen to have an ASD-adjacent child and fully understand the importance of managing noise around autistic individuals, began speaking even LOUDER to be heard over my son’s running and shouting. As if they weren’t already the loudest in the room, even with his activity lol.

Beyond all the yelling, my grandparents are hard of hearing, so they have their televisions up loud at any given moment. They had two TV’s going that day: the one in the kitchen and a second in the den. Both were on the same channel, but there was a roughly 2 second delay. And the rooms are connected together by a door way and the formal living and dining rooms, so you can hear both TVs blaring from either of the 4 rooms. It’s a lot. And it’s enough to overstimulate anyone.

But, this is normal for any other visit to my grandparents’ house (though I have to admit, my family members were uncharacteristically loud that day). That said, I came prepared with all of his classic calming measures — milk, comfort foods, his iPad and his Switch (for Minecraft and YouTube Kids). This trip should’ve been great, or at least no crazier than usual. The only reason it wasn’t was literally because of all the noise, causing him to become drastically overstimulated. It wasn’t even the activity. It truly was just all the noise.

So I had to move him to another quieter room. But because I was integral to the function of the gathering, I was constantly pulled away to handle other things. So I couldn’t really spend the time on him that he needed. And because my family isn’t all that versed in ASD-friendly interactions, they weren’t much help. Plus, my mom was busy calming my toddler daughter who was on the verge of a meltdown the entire time because of all of the noise and the people.

Y’all, it was a mess. I’m so appreciative of my mom for being there for my little girl. Because that poor baby was not okay. And no matter how many times we tried to get the room quiet(ish) and to get people to leave her alone, they just wouldn’t. She was on pins and needles basically until everyone went home — and that wasn’t until close to 10:00 pm.

So yeah. The noise and the large amounts of people were too much, apparently for both of my babies.

In addition to running around and energy-matching, my son was also determined to go outside and play. Running is how he regulates himself. Normally, I wouldn’t have an issue with that; in fact, I’d encourage it. But remember, he’s an eloper, and I was busy running around handling stuff with the dinner. I didn’t trust my family members to watch him the way I felt he needed to be watched, so I had him stay inside where I could keep an ear on him. And again, Mom was there to help watch him too.

I also need to mention that this gathering was a crab boil — if you’re from the south, you know what’s up. If you’re not, just know that there’s basically a huge pot outside with a source of heat (usually fire) underneath it, boiling crabs and other fixins. Not a good situation for any small child, but especially not for an autistic small child.

So that’s another reason why I had my son stay inside. He doesn’t understand the effects of fire when it touches your skin, or that the water in the pot was boiling hot. And because I took away his main source of self-regulation, he ended up having a couple of meltdowns. I felt bad, but my hands were kinda tied given the circumstances.

When everyone was outside cracking crabs and eating, my son was fine. But the moment everyone came back inside, that’s when the zoomies started back up. This time, they were worse because they were amplified by his sleepiness and need to regulate. We didn’t eat until around 7 pm, which is usually the time that he’s getting ready for bed.

We began cleaning up right after everyone ate, around 7:45 pm or so. The house was significantly quieter — and so was my son. He calmly played Minecraft and watched his YouTube videos in his little corner. I gave him a nice, comfy blanket while he sat in his favorite comfy chair. His little sister found someone to play with her. Everything was wonderful.

People slowly started fixing their to-go plates and I began doing the dishes. The large group of people slowly dwindled into our usual Sunday crowd: my grandparents, my mom, myself, and my two babies. All was finally well. Sweet repose.

So, while the entire weekend was absolutely hectic, this SWA adventure wasn’t nearly as terrible as I was afraid it would be. Honestly, I think my husband was more so bothered by the fact that he felt guilt-tripped into going than he was by the actual event itself. 🙂

But I still am kinda dreading doing this all over again in a month for Father’s Day, lol.

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About the Author

Alexandra is the founder of the ‘Tism Things platform and owner of online business The Shop by ‘Tism Things. A proud stay-at-home wife and mama to two amazing, smart, and empowered littles, Alexandra frequently spends her time learning about autism and ADHD, its effects on families and caregivers, and ways to support individuals with either or both conditions. Driven by her son and husband’s autism and ADHD diagnoses, Alexandra prides herself on employing creative methods to adapt her household into one that welcomes people of all neurological types, aiming to foster a sense of inclusivity, understanding and acceptance among anyone’s path she crosses.

When she’s not in a ’tism rabbit hole on the internet or playing with her babies, she’s likely out shopping, cooking something yummy, helping out her grandparents, or out in the garden trying to keep her plants alive in this Georgia heat. Honestly, probably that last one.

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