This post is best for sensory seekers. If you or a loved one is hyperactive, loves colorful lights and bright colors, enjoys tonal sounds or music rather than speech, and gets energized in chaotic places (rather than shutting down or covering ears), this post is for you, friend. Keep on reading.

Rant alert! I’m about to hop on top of a pretty big soapbox.

When our son was first diagnosed with autism, I wasn’t surprised but I was still thrown for a loop. I didn’t know what next steps to take in terms of getting him necessary help. Above all, my biggest concern was ensuring that my family members understood his condition and some of its limitations.

As an African-American family living in the south, “whoopins” and “spankins” are typically the answer to a troubled, misbehaving child. When our son would act out, my grandmother, a strong black woman from Alabama, would always tell me “You needa get at them legs,” encouraging me to pop him with a belt, or worse — a switch. (If you’re black or from the south, y’all know them switches ain’t no joke.) The phrase literally makes me cringe. I remember a situation with one of my cousins who had gotten in trouble and was about to get whipped — and her mom made me go pick the switch from the backyard. I’ve read countless comments on social media posts where people (seemingly fondly?!?) recount instances where they “got their ass beat” or were “almost sent to see Jesus” as kids just for doing what kids typically do — getting into stuff and being nosey. Not sitting still. Not listening to directions.

Now, I’m not saying that negative actions don’t have to warrant negative consequences. I’m just saying that taking it a step too far is how we learn our limitations. We have to be curious to learn more about our world. Sometimes, as we’re learning, we roll up on something that may hurt us. Getting beaten by the person or people who are supposed to protect you after the world has already handed you a beating is counter productive. You’re only teaching the people you love to be afraid of you, discouraging them to come to you when the world is finna beat them up again out of fear that you’ll beat them too. (Like, I’ll never understand the logic behind beating your loved one because they lost a fight…? Like, huh?!?They got beat up by someone else, and instead of rolling out to find the person that hurt them… we hurt them more…? Make it make sense, please. The math ain’t mathin’.) Corporal punishment is never the answer, and I will gladly die on that hill.

Anyway, thanks for attending my TedTalk on why I hate the chokehold whoopings have on POC. Rant over.

As I’m sure you probably gathered, corporal punishment has NEVER been the go-to in our household, even well before our son’s diagnosis. I was raised by a gentle parent, and I know that it’s beyond possible to raise a child without laying hands on them every time they screw up. Actually, the belief in gentle parenting only became stronger after learning that our slightly rowdy baby boy’s character is likely related to him being autistic. Gentle parenting and genuine understanding, I believe, has gotten our son to listen to us more. Hol’ on, let me explain.

My husband, also autistic, has detailed dozens of incidents with his father, who was a strong believer in punishment — physical, corporal, you name it. Like, it was really bad. Without going into too much detail, I’ll let you know that my husband has carried a significant amount of trauma from his childhood. He’s scared of his father, but doesn’t respect him in any what whatsoever simply because of how his father chose to handle discipline. My husband has also made his fair share of screw ups — as we all have, despite the beatings. Hmm. All that work and what did it get him…

Very early on in our relationship, before we were even officially dating, he was very open with me regarding his childhood and we decided that should we progress to the point of parenthood, we would’t engage in any form of corporal punishment. Thankfully, we’ve held true to that… mostly.

Our son became a wild child the moment he started walking, which was around 8 months. Not kidding. He skipped the crawling stage and everything. And once he started walking, it was really only about 3 or 4 months before he started running. My boy is all over the place all day. Again, not kidding. Iykyk. So naturally, it’s pretty hard to keep up with him at times. When we were homeschooling, he’d constantly be getting up to run up and down the hall. It got to the point where we couldn’t get anything done. He was running more than he was learning! When he was bored, he would purposely run into walls, trip over his feet, even slam into chairs or fall off the arm of the sofa. Come bed time, he would be throwing himself off of the bed. At one point in time, he was even jumping off of his dresser. Fun fact – he was adept at climbing before he even turned 2. I wish I was kidding about that. So yeah… we had some problems.

Naturally, I turned to my family for some advice and again, the general consensus was that he had behavioral issues, and that he wasn’t receiving enough discipline. But my husband, mom, and I knew that there was something else there. He was a good kid, he just couldn’t sit still to save his life.

So when we began the evaluation process for speech, we mentioned these concerns to his therapist. God bless that wonderful lady (and to protect her identity, we’re calling her Carmen). Carmen immediately saw what we were talking about and adjusted her appointments to accommodate his hyperactivity. It was also during that appointment that she confirmed our suspicions that he was autistic.

So here’s the key takeaway from our sessions with Carmen: if he’s not listening or won’t sit still, it’s likely because he needs to regulate his senses and return to his optimal functioning zone. Here are some of Carmen’s suggestions, mixed with some things I’ve learned along the way.

Rough-housing is a must

Get moving!

I noticed that our son also is more likely to listen to us or follow directions if we encourage him by doing something fun. His interpretation of fun is something that typically involved jumping or spinning, for the same reason mentioned above. He’s seeking sensory input. Simply put, he’s gotta get up and move!

I noticed this to be especially true when we were homeschooling. No kid just wants to sit down and listen to someone drone on all day about boring stuff, but that’s especially true for the autism and ADHD brain — unless it’s a special interest. THAT is something we can learn and talk about all. day. long.

Be supportive and engaging

If they express the need to do something active, indulge if you’re able. If they need to run, suggest that you both go outside and take a few laps. If they need to jump, jump together. If they need to take a spin, spin them yourself in a chair or on a swing. If they need to touch something bumpy or play with a sensory device while working, allow it, so long as it’s not distracting. Listen to requests and try to predict needs that they may not be able to verbalize.

Remember that life with someone on the spectrum requires a higher level of compromise; give a little, and you’ll get a little in the long run. Plus, the bond and understanding between you both will forever be cherished appreciated by your ASD/ADHD loved one, even if they don’t show or verbalize it.

Calmly speaking > Yelling

I know it’s hard. It’s something I honestly struggle with because I’m a naturally loud person and when I get frustrated or fell like I’m not being heard, my first resort tends to be to shout. I’m working on it. And here’s why you should too: yelling at an under-stimulated person is only feeding into the issue. I learned that one the hard way.

Instead of shouting, get at your child or loved one’s eye level and make direct eye contact, preferably for a couple of seconds before speaking. If you need to grab an arm to hold them still, do so. Grab their arm firmly, but not painfully. No yanking, no “snatching them up.” Speak softly. Speak clearly. Speak concisely. Address them by name, and calmly state what you want them to do, not what you don’t want them to do. So phrases like “stop running” or “sit down” in a calm tone are more productive than “don’t run” or “I need you not to run.”

Be extra patient; find your zen

If you ever feel like getting physical with anyone out of frustration, step away immediately. Take a breather. Reach out to your support system. Understand that you’re both doing the best you can. Remember that this is another human, very much worthy of love and support. And, I can’t stress this enough, getting physical can only lead to worse situations down the line, especially if it becomes a regular thing.

Be proactive

Honestly, this is one that I struggle with. As an ADHDer myself, I struggle with maintaining routine and thinking ahead. When I try to think ahead, I often times overthink and end up frazzled. But as a parent of an AuDHDer, I kinda have to maintain a strict routine in order to help my son function as best as he can.

If we’re in a situation that I know is out of his norm, like an appointment or a surprise visit from a relative, I try to account for those interruptions by ensuring that he has some comfort things nearby. His iPad is a staple. His Nintendo Switch is another. If neither are available for use, I can count on Mickey Mouse Clubhouse episodes downloaded on my phone to save the day. And if all else fails, he’ll usually be okay enough to limp through the rest of the situation if I can get him some warm milk and a chance to run outside for a bit.

If you’re someone like me who is constantly forgetting to bring something crucial for your person’s self-regulation, consider keeping a sensory pack in each vehicle you use. Secondary ones too. Shoot, tertiary ones if you have them. Pack all the cars. Just do it. Don’t be dumb like me and keep hitting these streets ill prepared. If you visit relatives frequently, consider leaving one at their homes, too. It’s one less thing to think about and can serve as a hail Mary in your time of need.

Reward yourself!

Working with an ASD/ADHDer can be challenging and mentally/emotionally taxing. Put just as much into rewarding and supporting yourself as you do your loved one for being and doing amazing things. You’re both working through and overcoming challenges daily.

Treat yourself to your favorite food at the end of the day. Maybe while your loved one is busy doing something, take a minute to read a favorite book or do a hobby that you like to do. Indulge in your social media when you’re not busy. Go for a run at your favorite place. Just be sure to engage in a favorite activity of yours daily to make sure that you’re getting something from this life too.

As a stay-at-home parent, it’s rare that I get the chance to take time for myself during the day. I have to kinda cheat my way into breaks. I’m a gamer and I love to draw; my husband and I slowly started introducing our son to games that are tame, colorful, and can educate or regulate him in some way. Minecraft is one that we all love. When I need a break and he needs to regulate, we play Minecraft together. I’m doing something we both like to do, I feel like I’m getting a bit of a break, and he’s having some fun quality time with Mommy. It’s a win-win.

Our results

Once we changed our approach to our son’s hyperactivity, we slowly started seeing him change his methods of self-regulation. He’s more likely to ask for things he wants. If he’s bored, he’s more likely to ask for his markers so he can draw, or ask to play a game. He’ll ask to go outside or to get in the car. He’s also much more likely to not melt down when he can’t do something he wants to. He’s becoming more capable of entertaining himself in more constructive ways everyday.

He’s still ripping and running down the hallway sometimes during the day, but the days of him constantly throwing himself off of furniture have become less and less frequent. Those situations really only happen at this time if he’s trying to keep from going to sleep. But insomnia is a different topic. Again, iykyk.

And before you ask, no; he’s not medicated, nor will he ever be as a child unless something drastically changes. These changes are purely a result of him improving his self-regulation and speech skills and his parents becoming better with communication and helping him manage/understand himself. This happy kid sharing his iPad with a dog is what an accepted, supported, and regulated autistic child looks like. Happy, thriving, and free!

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A little note for caretakers…

Being mentally and emotionally available allows us to be much more willing and able to support someone with higher needs for support, regardless of diagnosis. If you take nothing else away from this post, please take that bit away. Self care for caretakers is imperative. You can’t pour from an empty cup, friend.

I hope that this information helps you. If you’ve read this far, it’s because you truly love and care about someone with ASD/ADHD, enough to try to improve yourself to better help them. And for that, I’m proud of you. Keep going. You’ve got this.

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About the Author

Alexandra is the founder of the ‘Tism Things platform and owner of online business The Shop by ‘Tism Things. A proud stay-at-home wife and mama to two amazing, smart, and empowered littles, Alexandra frequently spends her time learning about autism and ADHD, its effects on families and caregivers, and ways to support individuals with either or both conditions. Driven by her son and husband’s autism and ADHD diagnoses, Alexandra prides herself on employing creative methods to adapt her household into one that welcomes people of all neurological types, aiming to foster a sense of inclusivity, understanding and acceptance among anyone’s path she crosses.

When she’s not in a ’tism rabbit hole on the internet or playing with her babies, she’s likely out shopping, cooking something yummy, helping out her grandparents, or out in the garden trying to keep her plants alive in this Georgia heat. Honestly, probably that last one.